An Alliterative Acrostic.

—

Holy One, wash me.

My mind, my eyes, my tongue, my ears.

…Unravel my mind, Wonder Worker. Unfasten my skull’s cap and wash out of me every wicked thought and crooked conception. Wash me, wring me, restore me, remind me. Upright my mind’s meanderings. Uproot my will’s wanderings. And anchor me again - weld my wit to your word and wrestle my wishes to your way. Dislocate and relocate, once again, my weary hopes and my wildest dreams.

…Unblind my eyes, Almighty Father. Animate my soul’s sight. Awaken the awareness of my inadequacy, but also of your acceptance. Arrest my vision. Abide with me. Anoint my drooping head again. And if in alleviating my scaly eyes you must agitate them, then grant me the audacity to acknowledge the affection of your aggression. And if in seeing more accurately I might better break the alabaster jar of my affection upon your feet, then agitate me now, I ask.

…Untwist my tongue, Saving Son. From wicked words. And fruitless phrases. And sinful sentences. Slacken it to speak the story of salvation and to sing spiritual songs again. And to slash at the sluggishness of your Saints. And to slay the serpent’s servants. Steal my swaying speech and sanctify this sinful spout.

…Uncork my ears, Holy Spirit. Though I am hard of hearing, don’t give up on me. Hush me long enough to hear you again. Overhaul my heart and haul out the hubris that hinders me from honoring your words. Heal your handiwork. Hurt me if you must, but heal me. Dissect me ear-to-ear that you might inject heaven’s happy harmonies.

Sometimes, thinking deeply about what the Bible does NOT say frees us to be profoundly moved by what it DOES say. So, here are a few things the Bible does not say… thank God!

> YOU CAN FIND PART I HERE <

STAY WITH THE 99

What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not turn say to the 99: “I think the bigger picture here is that we had a net gain of sheep this last year. What can I say? We have a big front door and a big back door.”

Not Matthew 18:12

The American Blessing

“The Lord bless you”… Whatever that means to you.

“and keep you”… Wealthy, Healthy, and Fly.

“the Lord make his face to shine upon you”… in a distant-yet-affirming kind of way.

“and be gracious to you”… cuz what’s a lil sin, after all?

“the Lord lift up his countenance upon you”… and lift up your IG follower base while He’s at it, amirite?

“and give you peace”… the kind of peace that comes from knowing that you’re a winner and god would never want you to carry a cross.

Not Numbers 6:24-26

They will overcome…

They will overcome by the blood of their knuckles and the volume of their megaphones, for they loved not humility or pain or discomfort.

Not Revelation 12:11

I am Sending you out as fanged sheep

Behold, I am sending you out as fanged sheep in the midst of wolves… so be vicious as vultures and venomous as vipers. Arm yourselves, stockpile ammo, and fly intimidating flags so men might beware of you. For they will try to deliver you over to courts and flog you in their synagogues - BUT OVER YOUR DEAD BODY! You and your church must drag your wicked governor through the streets for your children’s sake, so that your witness may be ruined before them and the Gentiles.

- Not Matthew 10:16-18

Count it All Panic, Brothers

By Stacie Van De Weghe

Count it all a panic-inducing crisis, whenever you meet trials of various kinds. Strategize your way out (or just give up) because you know that the the testing of your faith proves that God cannot be trusted. He is likely disappointed in you and/or distracted by more important things. He is probably punishing you, if he is even real at all. So go ahead and work hard (if you didn’t already give up) to fix yourself so that you can be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, ask Siri or Google, who spout out information, inviting you to pretend that their intelligence is not artificial.

Not James 1:2-5

UnPsalm 23

(The Lord is My Butler)

The Lord is my butler; I shall not complain… much.

He makes me want to nod off during mediocre sermons.  He tries to lead me beside still waters - but who’s working for who here?

He refreshes my insta feed. He cheer-leads me in paths of good vibes for my mental health’s sake.

Even though I walk through valleys of self-made-drama which I mistake for persecution,  I will fear no haters, for the idea of you sedates my conscience; your cool uncle vibe, it comforts me.

You prepare a table before me because you’re like a chill cosmic butler; I anoint my pockets with cash; my wallet overflows - you can have the leftovers, but don’t get too greedy.

Surely nominalism and selfishness shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of self-absorption forever.

Not Psalm 23

The BAD Attitudes

He opened his mouth and did not teach them, saying: “Gather 'round, peasants, for your ticket to mediocrity is here!”

“Blessed are those with a severe deficiency in self-worth, for they shall receive best selling self-help books."

"Blessed are those who throw pity parties, for they shall receive an abundance of sympathy cards and free tissues."

"Blessed are the pushovers, for they shall inherit the scraps.”

"Blessed are those who binge The Chosen, for they shall get an honorable mention."

"Again, blessed are the pushovers, for they shall be taken advantage of repeatedly, but at least they'll get a gold star for being so polite and gullible."

"Blessed are the blissfully ignorant, for they shall live in a perpetual state of denial and delusion."

"Blessed are the conflict avoiders, for they shall be hailed as the heroes of sweeping issues under the rug."

"Blessed are the picked on, for they shall collect a treasure trove of sympathy points."

"Blessed are you when others spread rumors about you and unfriend you on social media, for you shall be crowned the reigning drama queens and kings."

"Rejoice and be glad, for your star on heaven’s walk of obscurity is assured, for so they mocked the losers who were before you."

Not Matthew 5:2-12

In This First-World You Will Have Trouble

In this first-world you will have trouble… like:

Having a rough night’s sleep on your queen mattress in your private temperature-controlled bedroom.
The barista misspelling your name on a $6 latte.
The WiFi being too slow to stream your show.
Paying $3.50/ gallon for gas so that you can drive your 5-seat car to and from work alone.
Your car’s heated seats taking too long to warm up.
Not being able to find anything to watch on any of your 5 streaming subscriptions.
Having to do yard work on a two-day weekend so that your 3-bedroom two-bathroom house can look pretty for the neighbors whose opinions literally don’t even matter.

Lose heart! Satan has very nearly overcome the first-world.

Not John 16:33