A PreAMBLE:
Popular passages and prayers often lose their potency over time. They become too familiar. Too assumed. Too mantra-esque. But if we consider their converse - what they’re NOT saying - we can be filled with a tremendous relief. I’m so glad Jesus said “God so loved the world” and not “God was so mildly disgusted with the world.” Sometimes, thinking deeply about what the Bible does NOT say frees us to be profoundly moved by what it DOES say. The world’s leaders may say, “I have come to be served,” but Jesus says “the Son of Man came to serve.” The world may say, “follow your heart,” but Jesus says, “follow me.” What a relief. These “Unprayers” and “Unpassages” are meant to to jostle and electrify your soul with the wonder of what Scripture really says.
Come to me and I will give you a shovel…
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you a list of your failures… and a shovel… so that after a lifetime of restless labor you might lay in a shallow grave. Take my displeasure upon you, and fear me, for I am temperamental and a tyrant at heart, and you will find sickness for your souls. For my yoke is crushing and my burden will break you.
Not Matthew 11:28-30
The Prayer of Prosperity
Our Father
Who lives to please me
Prosperity be Thy name
My kingdom come
My will be done
On earth as it is in my head
Give us our days that we might live them for ourselves
And give us something better than bread for bread is boring and we would eat it thanklessly
And forgive us our sins so that we may sin with clean consciouses against those who have sinned against us.
And lead us not into poverty, pain, or discomfort, but deliver us unto pleasure
For mine is the Kingdom, and the honor, and the ingratitude forever and whatever, amen.
Not Matthew 6:9-13
Our Battle is not against flesh and blood, EXCEPT…
Our battle is not against flesh and blood - except for the ones Paul forgot to warn us about… the:
• Gaygashites
• Lesbusites
• Transvites
• Queergashites
• Libralites
• Bidenites
• MAGAites
• Progessivites
• Muslimites
• Homelessites
• Druggieites
• Smokerites
• Drinkerites
• Addictites
• SexEdites
• ProChoiceites
Not Ephesians 6:12
Quick to speak, slow to listen
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be slow to listen, quick to speak, and quick to anger. It’s completely illogical, but your anger will convince people that you’re right. They will weep and cry and apologize if you belittle them or raise your voice. If you refuse to listen, they’ll be compelled by your confidence and self-righteousness. You’re right! So speak up quickly and bulldoze anyone else’s point of view before they have the chance say anything! For the anger of man might not produce the righteousness of God, but it will produce feelings of superiority in you - so go for it!
Not James 1:19-20
UnPsalm 1
#Blessed is The Self-Made Man
#Blessed is the self-made man
who is well-networked,
and has friends in high places,
and eats with movers and shakers;
his delight is in his polished social media profiles,
and on his own portfolio he obsesses day and night.
-
He is like a rose bush
planted by pools of stagnant water
that sometimes yields pretty-looking flowers, but eventually thorns are all that’s left.
-
In all his self-centered dealings, he prospers.
Obscure and spiritually needy people are not so -
but are like children that the Spirit will never drive away.
-
The losers won’t get the promotions!
The Jesus freaks won’t get invited to the parties!
Fame and fortune favor the bold and the good looking -
but the way of the humble-hearted is a drag.
Not Psalm 1
The Mega Commission
And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to your local pastor. Go therefore and unquestioningly fulfill the vision he told you he ‘heard from God’ - build a large building, put him on a stage, fill his pockets with money, and treat him like a celebrity. Pay minimal attention to the nations, filled with dirty and dying people who probably deserve what’s coming to them. Instead, take field trips to the nations once a year, and underpay a handful of others to do the church’s full-time ‘dirty work.’ Baptize people who for decades haven’t taken their faith seriously but want to check it off the list and get a cool t-shirt. Teaching them how their material comfort and their faith can coexist without so much as a prick to their consciences - all while using excerpts of my teachings to support your agenda. And behold I never knew you - never, even to the end of the age.”
- Not Matthew 28:18-20
Berate My Sheep
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “BERATE my sheep. Whip them with your words. Deflate them with your diatribes. Squash them with your sermons!”
He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Or perhaps, AFFIRM my sheep. Let them lead themselves. Let them feed themselves. Let them slaughter themselves.”
He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Or perhaps, FEED my sheep - But feed them the thorns and thistles of modernity. The poison of worldly pleasure. And the sludge of self-help.”
Not John 21:15-17
The Iron Rule
You have heard it said “Do not resist the one who is evil.” But I say to you, an eye for an insult and a tooth for a taunt. Again you have heard it said, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek then turn to him the other also.” But I say to you If anyone slaps your cheek, then slap back harder so as to draw blood. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, then counter-sue and take from him his very livelihood and his bread. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, make haste and exact from him one mile with interest. Rebuke the one who begs from you and embarrass those who would borrow from you. And you have heard it said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” But I say to you, curse your enemies and punish those who persecute you.
Not Matthew 5:38-44
Train up a child in… the correct political party
Train up a child in the correct political party, inundate them with screens, validate their outbursts, give them trophies for free, let the children’s pastor form them, let the youth pastor entertain them… so that when they are old they shall not depart from closed-minded self-centered entertainment-craving me-ism.
Not Proverbs 22:6
